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Case Study: Library, a Good Place or not

Lovers at school sometimes cannot find a good place to date. They have school works but wanted to be together. William and Grace’s decided to go to the library. Is this a good decision or not? Let’s see

  • Grace

I wanted to see William again after the “billiard class”. I know he is a hardworking guy so I decided to meet him in the library.

I stepped in the room he usually stays and saw him. I politely said hi to him and sat across him. The distance is not too intimate or extraneous. The library was quite, I can hear the sound created by the pen in my trembling hand. Besides that was William typing on his silver laptop or writing on his scratch paper. Sometimes, he was holding his chin, staring at the screen as if he was stuck in a difficult problem. He was listening to the music. What song did he play? With him sitting close to me, I cannot concentrate on the paper I read. I stood up, approached a computer and searched for other papers to read. For a while, I missed him again so I went back to my seat. I did not know how many minutes had past.

We stayed together until the library closed at five. We took bus home together. He was sitting next to me. We were talking and laughing as if we were already a couple. William was supposed to take off the bus one stop earlier than me. Sometimes I also took off there because I was afraid of crossing the street without the traffic light. The former stop had the traffic light and the two stops were pretty close. In fact, this time, crossing the street was a mere excuse because it was still bright outside. I mentioned it only because I wanted to spend some more time with him. William took my excuse seriously and insisted on taking off with me and sending me home. So he did.

  • William

It was a relatively warm day so I went to the library as usual. Though I did not have projects to do, I still needed to put myself in a learning state. I love this room in the library. The bookshelves around the wall created a perfect environment for learning. After the noon, the sunshine flashed through the colored glaze falling on the table. I felt I was in a church instead of library which made me feel peaceful.

The sudden sound of high heel broke the peace. I looked up and saw a girl in red coat and grey furry hat. It was so Grace that wherever she went, there cannot be tranquility. I was surprised by the fact that I was delighted with knowing much about her. “Hi”, still the mesmerizing smile, I smiled back.

It was not a good idea to stay in the library with beautiful girl. I could not fully concentrate myself to the work at hand. At first she was reading something in her tablet, underlying something on the screen. Later she brought out Plato’s book and read. I knew it because she ever showed her thoughts about Plato on Facebook. I ever tried to read the paragraphs but I failed. I shall never understand what this kind of book talking about I was supposed. But Grace can. She sometimes smiled, still the mesmerizing kind as if she found some interesting thing. If we were not in the library, I must have asked her about the content and let her talk with the smile.

Time went fast. To me concentrate myself, I plugged in my earphone and listened to some music but I still could not stop thinking about her so I stood up and went to the vending machine to get some drinks. In the following hours I was in a flow with my work until I heard the librarian announcing that the library would be closed at five.

Now let’s answer the question: whether library is an efficient place to date or not? The answer is yes and no. If you want to study, go to the library alone. If you want to date, library may be a good place to stay. Anyways, it is all your choice.

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Solving the Conflicts: No Self-Justification

In every romantic relationship, things are not always going well. There may be some conflicts between you and your Mr. Right. You may take up polarized positions and Neither of you want to admit your mistake. Both of you feels right and righteous, believing that “Mistakes were made but not by me” In social science theory, this is called Self-Justification.

Self-justification shows that person tends to justify the behavior and deny any negative feedback associated with the behavior. As a wise woman, you need to recognize this human nature and try to overcome its negative effects on your relationship. Here are something you can do in a conflicts (some are adapted from the book Mistakes were made but not by me. I highly recommend this book)

  1. No name calling and mockery

Research found that name calling and mockery is a sign of the breakup of a relationship. It shows that “I DON’T VALUE THE ‘WHO’ THAT YOU ARE”. It alienates the person emotionally and psychologically. Do avoid that.

  1. Ask yourself: could I be wrong? Could I make a change?

I know it is hard to think about your own mistake but as long as you want to sustain this hard earned relationship, you have to think about this. Admitting your fault is not a shameful thing. It is a display of your wisdom, strategic thought and tolerance.

  1. Think from his standpoint

After thinking about yourself, think about him. Why he disagree with your point? Why he did the bad things in your eyes? Understand his feelings from his perspective. Perhaps, he was not in a good mood today so he was impatience to you. Or he needed to meet the deadline of his final paper by midnight so he did not reply your message. Be considerate and rational.

  1. You are not “you” and “me”, but “us”

You and your lover are not emery in the conflicts. The real enemy is the problem you both are faced with. You as a team can fight together to solve the problem. For example, he did something bad is not his fault but the third party’s fault. Perhaps, it is the fussy professor that made him in a bad mood or the relentless suite mate that made him not kind enough. Think from a different perspective and you can work together to think up the solution for the problem

Try these when you are angry with him! I tried and they worked!

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Case Study: Learn Something from Him

The sweet thing about man is that they always have high self-esteem and a warm heart. Therefore, one way to get closer to them is to learn something from them. Find some skills that your William can do well but you know only a little such as billiard.

After the “cup of drink”, our hero William and heroine have become closer but were not lovers yet. To make the relationship one step further, Grace wisely picked a chance to let William teach her play billiard

  • Grace

I went to the gym the day after the karaoke night. I knew William will always be there around eight so I did so. The billiards drew my attention. I wanted to play it but I was a total amateur. As I expected, William came and saw me so he joined me or to be precise taught me how to play the game.

I put my thumb close to my index.

“This is like the trajectory.”

“Put the cue on the slim part of your finger else it will hurt.”

I hit the ball and it did not go as expected. I bowed down and verified the direction. I could see William’s cue showing me the right trajectory.

“Look at my cue. Yours need to be parallel with that. ”

I heard the ball falling into the pocket. “

“You need to think about the location of the cue ball if you are confident about shooting the first one. It should be around this area.”

I looked around and found the blue object ball met the requirements. No the trajectory was a little tilted. “Shoot the direction of my finger tip! ……You did a good job. It was my fault. I put the finger in the wrong place. Try it again! Catch the cue ball”.

I put the balls back to its original location and shoot again. I made it!

I tried to calibrate and find my next object but I can’t. What is my next object? Or I should play it randomly? I asked.

“It is not necessary to attract in all the turns. You can also defense or prepare for your next shoot. ”

I got it. !

  • William

I went to the gym as usual and unexpectedly saw Grace playing billiard awkwardly. She cannot control the balls’ direction. I have learned to play billiard since high school so tutoring an amateur was a piece of cake. Besides, I ever taught Salina playing billiard last year but Grace was smarter and quicker to learn. She would jump up like a little kid if the target ball went into the pocket as expected. Her excellent performance motivated me to play well. Sometimes I could make double hit that I was not intended to. Even so I still failed Grace for two runs. Admittedly, every time she made a stupid mistake such as miss or jump shot I will allow her do it again. We had a great time together without realizing that it was almost ten o’clock.

On our way, we talked about graduation again. She said she was hesitating whether to skip the grade or not. “Life here is lonely. In a small town, no much entertainment, no place to visit, no much friends, the only thing I can do is going to the library and study. ” She did not seem to love the life here. “Skipping the grade is cost efficient, right?” “Yeah, but staying here longer and finding a summer internship are more rewarding.” I realized that I was trying to persuade her to stay. “Yeah, but……so I have not made up my mind”. It seemed that she wanted to give more reasons but did not say it. “How I wish I could stay here longer!” So just stay! I exclaimed in my heart.

We soon arrived at her house. “So, just here, thank you! See you! ” Grace walked in front of me. When she looked back at me and said goodbye with her charming smile, I lose the ability to smile back.

The sound of her high heels ticking the wooden stair echoes with my heavy heartbeats.

You see, how smart Grace is! She used mere exposure effects and appeared at the exact time and place that William usually go. She also let William teach her play billiard so they had a great time and their relationship moved forward.

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Only You: Increase Your Importance in His Heart

Maybe, after learning from all the tactics I shared in the blog, you have already successfully dated your William. But how to be the only one in his mind and strengthen your relationships? Try to apply this economic theory to dating.

In economy, it is known that the price of a product depends on its own value and its demand in the market. The same rule goes for dating. The more attractive you are, and the more wooers you have, the more important you are in his mind. Here are some ways to achieve this goal:

Making yourself attractive

The fundamental way to increase your importance in his heart is to show your own value. It is not only a matter of makeup and dress up but also your inherent value and merit. Read books to deepen your thoughts. Go travelling to broaden your horizon. Listen to the music to remain a peaceful mind, workout to keep healthy and go to the church and help others. All those will contribute to your inherent beauty and they will appear unintentionally from your words and behaviors.

Making him feel the competition

Your value can also be presented through comparison. Besides what I have shared you last week about sequence effects (stay with someone who is no better than you), you can also actively let your William compare himself with other man. For example, you can tell him that there is a charming man asked you for a cup of drink or you played board game with a smart guy. Then you can pause for a while and see William’s reaction. He may feel embarrassed, angry or jealous. You can be happy at that moment because these are the signs of his love. After that you smile and tell William that none of the man you meet is better than him so you refused to hang out with them. In this way, your value has been increased because you showed him that you have other wooers or potential dates. Meanwhile it will not harm your relationship because he knows that he is most important in your heart.

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Case Study: How to Have a Successful Conversation

Usually having a nice talk especially privately is a good way to improve a relationship. That is why in the novel, William asked Grace to have a cup of drink. The problem is the two people are not very familiar with each other and both of them are uncertain of their love to each other. What they can talk about privately? What we can learn from their conversation?

  • Grace

I can hardly control myself when texting “Yes” when I received Williams’ message for a cup of drink. What he wanted to talk about? What can I tell him and what I cannot?

We went out of the karaoke and there is a coffee shop nearby. The warm candle light seemed like a fireplace. It reminded me of the Little Match Girl. The love, the feast and the dreams are merely fantasies. When the match burn out, she died though with a smile. Will the candle burn out too? Sitting opposite William, glancing at the candle, I was in daydreaming again. William’s gentle voice breaks the silence.

“What would you like to have?” He passed me the menu.

“Tiramisu and cappuccino, thanks.” I answered without reading the menu.

“You like Italian dessert?” William asked.

“Yes, I have been to Italy once.” William had found a good topic to start that I did not want to miss

“How’s it like? I wanted to go there too! Do you have some suggestions about the place to visit, the food and anything?”

William seems enthusiastic about this topic so we continued. I told him the Colosseum, the Pisa tower, the ice cream shop near the Fontana di Trevi, everything about Italy except the meaning of Tiramisu, pick me up and take me home.

  • William

Grace accepted my invitation immediately. I did not want to get her drunk for the first private meeting so I took her to a café nearby. The romantic atmosphere was good to create an illusion of dating.

It was a renaissance style cafe. There were some replicate of famous Italian paintings such as Mona Lisa. Grace was not intended to talk first so I passed her menu to avoid embarrassment. She ordered two most traditional Italian desserts so I got the chance and started the conversation. She seemed tacitly understand my meanings so she proposed a topic: her trip to Italy. She was gradually getting more talkative

“Outside of Rome collosseum, there are many people wearing Rome traditional costumes and pretend to fight each other. ”

“That’s cool! Did you take some pictures?”

“Yes! Let me show you some picture in my phone.”

Every time a topic on the verge of depletion, either Grace or I asked the questions or proposed a new related topic. It was a pleasing conversation. I can feel that both of us were interested in the topics and eager to talk more with each other.

From the conversation in novel we can learn that a good conversation needs a topic accessible to the two people. A trip to Italy is a topic Grace is familiar with and William is interested in. The relevant environment, an Italian restaurant also makes the conversation going naturally. On good thing the lovers did is that they kept coming up with new topics and express an eagerness to talk more with each other.

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Confirm His Love to You: Embodied cognition

If you have already applied the dating tactics I have shared you and did things right, your William may have develop a positive feeling towards you and you are more than friends now. You next and final step is to make him confirm his love to you and say “would you like to be my girlfriend?” Embodied cognition theory can help you achieve this goal.

Embodied cognition theory found that a person’s cognition is strongly influenced by aspects of his body beyond the brain itself. In other words, William will generate many cues from his body reaction and environment to confirm the fact that he loves you. What you need to do is provide the cues.

I admit that embodied cognition theory is pretty complex so I will share you its usefulness in the following situation:

1. Ride roller-coaster with him

When people feel nervous, their hear beat and blood pressure will go up. This physical reaction can also happen because of love. You need to create the situation where he will have these physical reactions and show him the attractive you. I’m sure he will feel it is his love to you that makes his heart racing. Riding roller-coster with him, watching thrillers or going for a crazy ride are all good choices to achieve the goal.

2. Have a candlelight dinner with him

In some restaurants, the majority of customers are lovers. They provide delicious food and romantic environment such as candlelight dinner. There are some places for hangout that are mainly designed for lovers. There are some places for travel that are mainly for honeymoon. Though for now, you are not lovers but you are almost there so I suggest you taking him to these places and having these activities. The romantic atmosphere and the lovers around you will give him an illusion that you are already lovers. It helps to confirm his love to you by thinking “what if you were already lovers now”.  Then he will take actions.

My dear readers, you need to take actions first now and you will soon successfully date your William! Good Luck!

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Fighting Romantic Rival: Sequence effect

Your William must be a smart and charming guy so it is possible that other women also love him. They are your romantic rival. The question is how to be the most attractive woman among them? The answer is being better than they are. What if you are of equal attractiveness? Social scientists say sequence effects can help.

Sequence effect means people’s attitude and behavior come from contact with a prior condition. To make it simple, your William develops an impression on you based on comparison with others. You can be better if you are compared with a people inferior to you. What you need to do is show him someone worse than you and show yourself before or after her. Try to avoid appearing before or after someone who are better than you.

Here are some examples:

1. Stay with your average looking friend

I know it seems evil so don’t tell her what sequence effect is. If you can’t help telling her frankly, it is ok. She will be glad to help you if she is not interested in your William. You only need to ask her to perform worse than you on attractiveness when William appears.

At the party, take your friend with you and say hi to your William. Talk with him about his hobbies using what you have learned in his social networks and show him your smartness. He will consciously or unconsciously compare you with your friends and you will leave a better and deeper impression on him

2. Avoiding outstanding rival and be with inferior rival

Don’t be the one sacrificed in the sequence effects. If there is already an outstanding romantic rival appear in front of your William, don’t appear the next. Don’t stay with them in the party. In contrast, stay with the inferior rival, let her makes you attractive. In this way, in William’s mind, you and your outstanding rival are of equal competence (though maybe she is better in some aspects). This raises your chance of being favored.

One take-home point about sequence effect:

Stay with the worse, away from the better.