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Practice-at-Intimacy Pathway: A Road to your first date

Some of my friends have already spent their 20th birthday but  they have not got a date yet. They are eager for a date but they have few male friends, let along a Mr. Right. Generally, they prefer to stay indoors and play computer games or watching TV shows. Or perhaps they do have male friends but these males are already in their friend-zone. I feel so pity for them and I am trying to figure out why.

Recently, I have learned a theory called practice at intimacy pathway. It means that in order to have a date one needs to go through the following steps:

Step 1:having a same-sex cliques( small group)

Step 2:having a  mixed-sex cliques

Step 3: Dating

Many of my female friends got stuck in step 1  because they never hang out males. Without exposure to the opposite sex, it is impossible to find a date( this only applies to heterosexual female). Even if the male you hang out with is not your type, you can know more males from them and you will gradually understand things from a male perspective, or at least know that male like and what they dislike.

In sum, if you are still an amateur in dating, try to hang out with a group of people with both female and male .

Good luck!

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Case study: Counter-factual Thinking can have side effect

Though I have finished my class this semester, as long as I learn some interesting scientific dating theory or I have some useful experience,I still would like to share my thoughts and my experience here with you.  The blog is not just for class but also to inspire thinking and improve your dating and relationship experience.

Yesterday, my friend told me that her boyfriend is having an affair. She and her boyfriend works in two different towns, 3 hours’ drive. They can just meet each other once a week. The third wheel is her boyfriends’ pretty colleague, they can meet each other everyday. As I talked about in my early blog, mere exposure effects is powerful.  My friend did not know what to do to save her relationship. She told me, she ever asked her boyfriend if she had an affair at the same time, would he break up with her? His boyfriend said yes. He added, only because he felt guilt now, he had not done so. My friend’s heart was broken at that moment. I felt sad for her.

This question is a counter-factual thinking. It is detrimental for a relationship in my friends’ situation. In psychology, there is a huge literature about counter-factual thinking. You can Google it in Google scholar. What I want to say now is that”

If you cannot get the answer that in favor of you from counter-factual thinking, don’t do so.

Maybe, my friend’s boyfriend had never thought about this possibility before she asked. Now the question created a change of meaning. He can’t help thinking the chance that he can finally dump her present girlfriend without feeling guilty. The more he thinks about that, the more likely he will take action and make the “what if” happen. For my friend, she know she could not get the expected answer before she asked. Besides hearing the heart-broken “yes”, she cannot get anything from it. What my silly friend! She wanted to get an “No” but rationally it is impossible.

The take home point of this real story is that: Don’t ask counter-factual thinking question if its realization is not in favor of you.If you don’t want it happen, do not say anything.    

May God bless my friend!

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Solving the Conflicts: No Self-Justification

In every romantic relationship, things are not always going well. There may be some conflicts between you and your Mr. Right. You may take up polarized positions and Neither of you want to admit your mistake. Both of you feels right and righteous, believing that “Mistakes were made but not by me” In social science theory, this is called Self-Justification.

Self-justification shows that person tends to justify the behavior and deny any negative feedback associated with the behavior. As a wise woman, you need to recognize this human nature and try to overcome its negative effects on your relationship. Here are something you can do in a conflicts (some are adapted from the book Mistakes were made but not by me. I highly recommend this book)

  1. No name calling and mockery

Research found that name calling and mockery is a sign of the breakup of a relationship. It shows that “I DON’T VALUE THE ‘WHO’ THAT YOU ARE”. It alienates the person emotionally and psychologically. Do avoid that.

  1. Ask yourself: could I be wrong? Could I make a change?

I know it is hard to think about your own mistake but as long as you want to sustain this hard earned relationship, you have to think about this. Admitting your fault is not a shameful thing. It is a display of your wisdom, strategic thought and tolerance.

  1. Think from his standpoint

After thinking about yourself, think about him. Why he disagree with your point? Why he did the bad things in your eyes? Understand his feelings from his perspective. Perhaps, he was not in a good mood today so he was impatience to you. Or he needed to meet the deadline of his final paper by midnight so he did not reply your message. Be considerate and rational.

  1. You are not “you” and “me”, but “us”

You and your lover are not emery in the conflicts. The real enemy is the problem you both are faced with. You as a team can fight together to solve the problem. For example, he did something bad is not his fault but the third party’s fault. Perhaps, it is the fussy professor that made him in a bad mood or the relentless suite mate that made him not kind enough. Think from a different perspective and you can work together to think up the solution for the problem

Try these when you are angry with him! I tried and they worked!

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Only You: Increase Your Importance in His Heart

Maybe, after learning from all the tactics I shared in the blog, you have already successfully dated your William. But how to be the only one in his mind and strengthen your relationships? Try to apply this economic theory to dating.

In economy, it is known that the price of a product depends on its own value and its demand in the market. The same rule goes for dating. The more attractive you are, and the more wooers you have, the more important you are in his mind. Here are some ways to achieve this goal:

Making yourself attractive

The fundamental way to increase your importance in his heart is to show your own value. It is not only a matter of makeup and dress up but also your inherent value and merit. Read books to deepen your thoughts. Go travelling to broaden your horizon. Listen to the music to remain a peaceful mind, workout to keep healthy and go to the church and help others. All those will contribute to your inherent beauty and they will appear unintentionally from your words and behaviors.

Making him feel the competition

Your value can also be presented through comparison. Besides what I have shared you last week about sequence effects (stay with someone who is no better than you), you can also actively let your William compare himself with other man. For example, you can tell him that there is a charming man asked you for a cup of drink or you played board game with a smart guy. Then you can pause for a while and see William’s reaction. He may feel embarrassed, angry or jealous. You can be happy at that moment because these are the signs of his love. After that you smile and tell William that none of the man you meet is better than him so you refused to hang out with them. In this way, your value has been increased because you showed him that you have other wooers or potential dates. Meanwhile it will not harm your relationship because he knows that he is most important in your heart.

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Confirm His Love to You: Embodied cognition

If you have already applied the dating tactics I have shared you and did things right, your William may have develop a positive feeling towards you and you are more than friends now. You next and final step is to make him confirm his love to you and say “would you like to be my girlfriend?” Embodied cognition theory can help you achieve this goal.

Embodied cognition theory found that a person’s cognition is strongly influenced by aspects of his body beyond the brain itself. In other words, William will generate many cues from his body reaction and environment to confirm the fact that he loves you. What you need to do is provide the cues.

I admit that embodied cognition theory is pretty complex so I will share you its usefulness in the following situation:

1. Ride roller-coaster with him

When people feel nervous, their hear beat and blood pressure will go up. This physical reaction can also happen because of love. You need to create the situation where he will have these physical reactions and show him the attractive you. I’m sure he will feel it is his love to you that makes his heart racing. Riding roller-coster with him, watching thrillers or going for a crazy ride are all good choices to achieve the goal.

2. Have a candlelight dinner with him

In some restaurants, the majority of customers are lovers. They provide delicious food and romantic environment such as candlelight dinner. There are some places for hangout that are mainly designed for lovers. There are some places for travel that are mainly for honeymoon. Though for now, you are not lovers but you are almost there so I suggest you taking him to these places and having these activities. The romantic atmosphere and the lovers around you will give him an illusion that you are already lovers. It helps to confirm his love to you by thinking “what if you were already lovers now”.  Then he will take actions.

My dear readers, you need to take actions first now and you will soon successfully date your William! Good Luck!

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Fighting Romantic Rival: Sequence effect

Your William must be a smart and charming guy so it is possible that other women also love him. They are your romantic rival. The question is how to be the most attractive woman among them? The answer is being better than they are. What if you are of equal attractiveness? Social scientists say sequence effects can help.

Sequence effect means people’s attitude and behavior come from contact with a prior condition. To make it simple, your William develops an impression on you based on comparison with others. You can be better if you are compared with a people inferior to you. What you need to do is show him someone worse than you and show yourself before or after her. Try to avoid appearing before or after someone who are better than you.

Here are some examples:

1. Stay with your average looking friend

I know it seems evil so don’t tell her what sequence effect is. If you can’t help telling her frankly, it is ok. She will be glad to help you if she is not interested in your William. You only need to ask her to perform worse than you on attractiveness when William appears.

At the party, take your friend with you and say hi to your William. Talk with him about his hobbies using what you have learned in his social networks and show him your smartness. He will consciously or unconsciously compare you with your friends and you will leave a better and deeper impression on him

2. Avoiding outstanding rival and be with inferior rival

Don’t be the one sacrificed in the sequence effects. If there is already an outstanding romantic rival appear in front of your William, don’t appear the next. Don’t stay with them in the party. In contrast, stay with the inferior rival, let her makes you attractive. In this way, in William’s mind, you and your outstanding rival are of equal competence (though maybe she is better in some aspects). This raises your chance of being favored.

One take-home point about sequence effect:

Stay with the worse, away from the better.

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See More, Love More: Mere-exposure Effects

Sometimes, people tend to like things merely because they are familiar with them. Scientists call it Mere-exposure Effects. To apply it to dating, the take away point it:

Let you Mr. Right see you more and he will like you more as he become more familiar with you.

How can we do that?

1. Appear at where he is like an coincident

How can we know where he is? What I have shared you about creeping last week will be very useful. You can learn about his habits and daily routines from his social networks so you know where he will be at some specific time. Just be there too and make it looks like a coincident.

For example, if he is religious, go to the church in his region and sit beside him. If he is a good student, go to the library and ask if you can share the table. If you know which bus he takes to go to school, take the same bus.

I believe my smart readers like you smart can come up with more intentionally coincident like this. If you have some, just share with us in comments.

2. Create the chance to meet him

If it is hard to know his daily routine, there is another way to meet him frequently: create the chance yourself.

For example, you can lend things from him such as a book, a tablet, even a vacuum cleaner. All you need to do is to use your intelligence to create a plausible story to lend them. You can also let him teach you something he knew a lot such as driving, golf, billiard, board game. By asking him for a favor, you can treat him for dinner, for a concert, for a movie.

Just remember, meet him frequently and make yourself familiar to him. Good Luck!